kalen
[How awake are we?]
Dice: 7 d10 TN7 (1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10) ( success x 3 )
kalen
Kalen
has invited Ian back to his library. There were things he meant to do
last time that didn't really work out, notably giving Ian real access to
this place. Perhaps he was not going to be someone often seen at the
chantry or someone who was going to be on Ginger, but perhaps he could
like it here. Sure, it was mostly a space that Kalen and Grace used so
far, but Ian seemed alright with Grace.
Kalen...well...all
that read to Kalen as was complicated. Tangled up in ways that weren't
entirely comfortable. For either of them.
Still, it is a
thing worth trying a little for. Okay, it is a thing worth trying a lot
for. So despite all kinds of reasons not to bring Ian back, to take
like five steps back and shut a few doors, Kalen just moves a decanter
full of ridiculously expensive whiskey and glasses into the library
itself. Makes sure there is a good selection of tea. And tries this
inviting someone in thing again.
Ian
Maybe it
was a testament to Ian's capacity for selfishness that he accepted
Kalen's invitation at all, but he did. They hadn't spoken much these
past few weeks - had not spoken at all since the last time Ian had been
here. And when Kalen asked if he'd like to stop by (whether it was by
phone or text,) Ian was not quick to respond. Almost, he claimed to be
too busy (which was not precisely a lie.) But at the last minute, he
changed his mind.
It was late on a Saturday evening when he
parked his car in the office lot and hit the buzzer to let Kalen know
that he was there. He gave Kalen a relaxed tip of his head in greeting
before they ascended the steps to the library. Ian's demeanor wasn't
especially closed or hostile, but it wasn't intimate, either.
He
looked as though he'd been out somewhere recently. His black pants were
slim and tailored, and he had on a burgundy collared shirt with a high
thread count. The top couple of buttons were left open to show off the
line of his collar-bones, and the sleeves had been rolled up to his
elbows.
Wherever he'd been all week, he'd gotten some sun.
There was a warm tan on his skin that hadn't been there the last time
Kalen had seen him (after those weeks spent in the hospital.)
They both looked more like themselves, these days.
"How goes the criminal rehabilitation program?" (By this, of course, he meant the girl.)
kalen
Kalen
glances over Ian's outfit, starts to say something, then doesn't.
Whatever it was, there didn't seem to be jealousy there. Or anything
hurt.
"Well enough," he says. "I've been giving her space. I
had something I had to do anyway." Something he had wanted to
elaborate on, but isn't sure about now. And so he goes for something
different, something less intimate. It might still indicate trust, but
an entirely different kind of trust. The kind that feels like a safer
place to start from.
"Ah. Perhaps before I manage to trip over my tongue this time, I should teach the security system you are its friend."
Ian
Ian
raised an eyebrow, as though this suggestion surprised him, and for a
moment he stopped moving and pressed his hand against the wall.
"You're
too trusting," he offered quietly. "But... I'm not going to complain
about free library access. Speaking of which, who the hell do I need to
see about getting access to the chantry? Is there some mysterious
initiation I have to jump through?"
kalen
"I
had a conversation with Grace. Before...practically everything. About
you and Ginger. She's usually so worried about everything, but she
asked an interesting question instead that time. And I answered it,
eventually. Though, not directly to her, I suppose.
"I'm not sure
what we are. What we might be. I'm not ever even really sure I know
who you are, because most of the time you don't let that be an easy
thing to see. But she didn't ask me if I trusted you. She asked me if I
thought you were worth the risk. I did then. I still do now.
Whatever the hell this or isn't going to be, I think you're worth what
finding out will cost." His voice is quiet, a little softer than
before. A touch warmer.
"Shoshannah or Pan," for the question
you're asking. "Though pretty much anyone who is there can likely let
you in for the moment."
Ian
[WP?]
Dice: 6 d10 TN8 (1, 1, 7, 7, 8, 10) ( success x 2 )
Ian
There
were a lot of things Ian could have said to that. In the end, he let
most of them rest unspoken. Kalen would get a hint of something in Ian's
facial expression that felt a bit like reluctance or dismissal, and
maybe that would have been the end of it, except then Ian looked at
Kalen with this steady, focused expression. Like he was about to tell
him something important. Something he probably didn't really want to
say. (And wherever Ian had been before this - whatever he'd been doing -
he was both sober and alert. This was not an impulsive decision.)
"You
always talk about me like I'm an idea instead of a person. And you know
what? Yeah, I'd love to get my hands on some of your books. I'm usually
pretty keen on things that benefit me personally. But it's not worth
it. I don't know how the hell we jumped from casual sex to talking about
our relationship like it's this fucking thing... but I don't
know how to do this with you. I don't care if I'm worth some imagined
risk or not. I was just giving you some advice. Generally, you wait
until you actually know someone before giving them the keys to
your house. Because you can't just put all the pieces together and make a
thing real. That's not how it works."
He took a breath. Exhaled.
"I
shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way about
you that you feel about me. Give this to someone who actually deserves
it."
kalen
"You're the only real thing I have.
You're only thing that terrifies me. You knock me off balance
sometimes, and I fucking hate that. But you're worth it me because
you're real.
"And this isn't my house. This is something
different. It was always meant to be shared. The same way that Ginger
and the chantry are shared. I sleep somewhere else."
He sighs. "I wanted-" A breath. "I suppose it doesn't matter what I wanted you here for."
Ian
"I think you're doing your friends a disservice by saying that."
Ian
reached up to run the pad of his middle finger over the curve of his
lower lip. For a moment, his eyes slanted downward. Then he rolled his
shoulders and made a gesture with his hand. Questioning.
"What is it?"
kalen
"I am, but not by saying that.
"I thought about what you said. About Sid. About this - which I'm not saying because it's a thing.
Trust me, there for like ten seconds. About that I needed to look at
what was there and not what might be. And I suck at the present moment.
I know that.
"And I will probably always, a little. Time
and fate are these fluid things to me. Minutes and seconds and hours
are arbitrary measurements of something that doesn't really break down
into entirely separate pieces.
"So I went to Flagstaff." He
shudders. "And I don't know if there were ghosts or not but I went
there to look at it like something other than the idea of it because...I
don't know. I thought I had to.
"And I...I've been awful to
so many people without meaning to be because I was so caught up
in...symbols and abstractions and I wanted you to come here because you
help me focus. Or you did, before I tried to do that symbols and
abstractions thing and I wanted to tell you I wanted to try this without
expectations and abstractions. Which, I tried to and apparently failed
at horribly.
"And I wanted to ask you for a favor, but that
seems a little crazy right now. As a request. But...I think maybe it
helps you understand what I wanted, so...was going to ask you to teach
me something real and immediate. Something I could ground myself in. I
mean...in a way I have that, except the way I see it is so symbolic
that it doesn't work that way in practice at all...I just...I wanted to
learn Life magic. Maybe not like right now, tonight. But I wanted to
see if you could help me with that."
Ian
"You... wanted me to teach you?"
It
was honestly a request that Ian had never gotten before. Most people
didn't think to ask the unaffiliated for help with these things. There
was that word - Orphan - and all of the things which it implied. That he
was a child. That he was alone. That he was lost. But Kalen didn't even
know that Ian was an Orphan (in either respect,) unless Grace had told him. What did he imagine Ian was? Perhaps it didn't matter.
"There's
this poem by Adrienne Rich called 'Diving into the Wreck.' It's...
something that I read once. I don't know if you'll find it helpful." Ian
paused for a long moment, as though weighing something in his head, or
maybe just trying to get the words right. "As for the rest... I'll think
about it. But right now I think I should go."
kalen
"Yes."
He starts to explain, but then stops. Not smothering a thing in words
is just so foreign to him that it takes him a second to figure out what
happens next. What comes after that.
Kalen smiles a little,
and he means the smile. "I thought our problem was thinking, but yeah.
Sure." There is a pause. "Hey. You're still welcome to come here.
You can call Grace to get in too. If...." He shrugs. "It really
isn't meant to be mine. It's-" And for a second, before he remembers
this is the part where Ian is leaving his eyes light up. Because this
project is amazing and not horrible and he loves it.
He smiles again, and this is a bit apologetic but also still brighter. "Go."
Ian
That
wasn't precisely how Ian would have phrased it. That thinking was their
problem. His brows knit together softly as he stepped away from the
wall.
"I meant I'd think about helping you."
Because that wasn't something he was ever going to do lightly.
Kalen
said 'go,' and Ian nodded and turned around. He didn't say goodnight.
Or goodbye. Just walked back the way he'd come, got into his car and
drove away.
